Ethereal · Feathers

Who I was, who I am. It's all a whirlwind of dreams where death is meaningless and time irrelavant. - I wrote that a long time ago. I kinda forgot about it until now. I went on this OLD forum I had joined a long time ago. It's something that holds a lot of meaning to me. As we all know, my life hasn't been the easiest drop of the bucket, though I have been VERY lucky. Who I was in the past, matters little now, who I am, means so much. As long as I remain true to myself. But it's all really, a whirlwind of thoughts and memories. Death is...meaningless to me, it's hard to explain. I will never truly die. And time irrelevant? I can't tell time for crap. All that remains is the memories of happiness, besides those of pain, and those that are so beautiful, it hurts.

I am coming close to a point in my life where I am closing a chapter and beginning a new one. Or maybe I am closing a novel and starting a new one. This is just the beginning of an end and the end of a beginning. - Another thing I wrote a long time ago. I think, every day we are doing just what I wrote. It's just a continuous story that goes on and on. It's a multitude of stories and chapters at once, we are never really the same. Each day is a new beginning and a new end as well as something new and closing for opporutnities and to see the beauty of the world. Every day brings something new into your life, no matter how...well, no matter how tedious and ritual it seems, there is always something new in your life.

"Don't get even...get odd" -Zen teacher - This is something that I found randomly, and to a point, enjoyed. It's not something that says eye for an eye. You can take it many ways, I guess. My way of taking it is, even if they do something bad, do good. So you are odd with them. What do you guys think?

"I've found the secret to life. I'm okay when everything is not okay." ~ Tori Amos - That's one of the quotes of my life. I'm not used to things going okay and I'm not always okay with things going okay. It's weird and complicated. I also love Tori Amos, she is an amazing singer.

"If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well DANCE!" - I love that quote as well. It's really awesome. Nobody knows who it is by, but it's God.

And then....the quote that has been on my backpack for like ever, is from Inheritence by Christopher Paolini. "Be on your guard for we elves are apt to go mad - wonderfuly, gloriously mad, but mad all the same." Oh yeah baby. XP

Humble, My Asshole=that sweet boy who said sweet things in your thread.

Session Start (dragonsilvra:My Asshole): Mon Nov 20 17:20:48 2006
[17:20] dragonsilvra: Heyyyy
[17:20] My Asshole: No mood to talk.
[17:21] dragonsilvra: A'ight.
[17:21] dragonsilvra: I just wanted to show you something funny. But ttyl.
[17:21] My Asshole: Alright.
[17:21] dragonsilvra: Or do you want me to share them?
[17:21] My Asshole: ... I don't care.
[17:22] dragonsilvra: Why?
[17:22] My Asshole: Does it matter?
[17:22] dragonsilvra: Does what matter?
[17:23] My Asshole: Anything? Does anything fucking matter anymore?
[17:23] dragonsilvra: *hugs* Why does anything matter? Dunno. You tell me, and we can beat the philopsohers at their game! Hell, even the ones in their grave will turn over for us!
[17:24] dragonsilvra: brb, we'll talk, but answer
[17:25] dragonsilvra: *pokes*
[17:26] My Asshole: What?
[17:34] dragonsilvra: About why does anything matter.
[17:34] dragonsilvra: If I had the answer I would tell you. Mm...I'm thinking I should go tearing up to God and beg him for the answer on hands and knees.
[17:35] My Asshole: ... ... I'm just going to go.
[17:35] dragonsilvra: Don't
[17:35] dragonsilvra: I'm trying to cheer you up. What fault is that?
[17:36] My Asshole: Mine... For getting depressed in the first place. Not your problem.
[17:36] *** "My Asshole" signed off at Mon Nov 20 17:36:09 2006.
[17:36] dragonsilvra: So tell me what's wrong.
Session Close (My Asshole): Mon Nov 20 17:36:15 2006

So I'm sitting here, at first I was little hurt and them I'm like, what the fuck? Whatever. I don't care. I've pulled my weight for him. I've done my duty to him. It's his choice what to do. I'm unattainable to him. And I just don't care. A part of me wanted a romance with him, but the shit he's pulled with me, like that is going to happen. First he says, he doesn't love me, then he says he really did....I'm going to be callous with him for now. In the end, if things are taking a worse, I'm going to do what my druid has advised, tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. Well, not in those words.

But is it okay to be callous? I guess so. I think, sometimes it's needed. Like right now. I don't want to see my ass hurt me anymore than he has, but I want to be a friend and someone he can count on and not someone who uses him or not let him express his opinions and feelings.

But in other words, things in generaly are looking up, you know? My coz is finally coming out of the mental institute, Gordon and I are dating now (and I'm happy and he's being a sweet boy to me!), Sma is back (WOOT, I <3 you Sma, go out with me? =^-^=), I'll be applying for a job soon, my health is finally picking up, though I do need physicaly therapy. I'll be seeing a shrink sometime for my lost memories. Mom and I are talking and crap, it's nice. It was hilarious though, the other day while I was at the hair dresser with mom, when mom went to the bathroom, the hair dresser started giving me tips on sex when she heard I had a boyfriend and about times to have sex and crap, it was hilarious!!!!!!! xP Not that I would...right now.

Something funnier. I was listening to the dance station on Yahoo Launch. And then I liked this song that came up. I downloaded it, like the beat...didn't pay attention to the lyrics or anything. Then I looked them up...XD IT WAS ABOUT SEX. Reminds me of what my fae said, "Sme, you seriously need to get laid." I tortured her after that. But I'm being nice to her now. <3, Love you all.

So right now I'm quite dependant upon Zantac. Zantac is a medicine that I am depending upon to help deal with my chest pains. Sometimes I need advil/I.B.Profum to help. I got to invovled with my friend's lives. I've been tore to shreads by so much. I can't do it anymore. So I've done quite a bit of backing out of things. But it's done it's damage. Hopefully, somehow, these pains will stop and I can get off this medicine!

Well shall see. So much is going on in my life. I'm going to step back and worship tonight.

I went to the ER on Friday, I got out of school as mother rushed me to the ER. All it was was chest pains, a heaviness of the chest, my hands gone tingly and numb, and shortness of breath. My EKG checked fine. So I'm guessing it was the emotions, because as I was having this 'episode'/'attack' I got really depressed and wanted to cry for not reason at all. I've been happy lately and I didn't think anything was, well, wrong.

But I guess it was. Since last night, I had another of these 'episodes' and this time it was harder to breathe than the last time. I got dad to get my Zantac the medicine he forgot that I am supposed to be on. Hours later, I was better, but still rather upset. I'm angry and I'm hurt and I'm depressed. I have ever right. Marshall, my 'ex', said to me Friday night, "My basis of talking to you was my flirting with you and I don't do that anymore." Oh, that angered me. I have every right to be angered. That was the last straw. Marshall is getting kicked out of my life. No more hurting me, no more tears. He isn't worth my damn tears! I've cried for two weeks over him and the times he has gotten drunk, no more, no more at all. He can suck it up and live a life without me there. I won't stand being hurt anymore. I gave him chances and clearly he has ruined them all, clearly he doesn't want to be friends. That ass.

But on a good note, I am completely over him. He made me....'hate' him. It isnt' hate, because I don't feel hate generaly, only one person I hate and that's more or less the actions that they have taken. Well, maybe I should say, he turned my love into hate. But this is the conclusion of one fucked, sick, and twisted drama in my life and I never went into the major details of it either.

Today I actually feel good too. I don't...feel...'sleezy' or disgusting or anything bad. It's like feeling 'pure' after such nasty stuff had gone through your system, like you were sick and now you are better. But I am still going to need my Zantac. Dude...why do I have to be on so much medicine? Ah, well, gotta deal with what life throws your way, yo!

All around, life just sucks right now. I'm not going into what, but... It's enough pain to leave me a walking zombie. I can't sleep, eat, or drink. All I can do is feel my pain. All I can do is continue to shake violently...and have fits like that. Thankfully I'm not under one now, but I will probably go under another one soon. All I can do to is bawl my eyes out and hold onto my friends tightly. I need them so right now. Even though my cousins are coming down, I need my friends so much more, because they've come to mean so much more to me. If...all...else fails and I can sleep over at Smy's, I am gonna see if I can get her to sleep over here. I need her. Sma is up in Vermont and no help. It's really bad for me to be alone. I'm not saying I am going to commit suicide, I'm not...But everything just hurts and I need a friend at my side. Because what made me stable, happy, and have hope, got ripped from under my feet. I know I'm being vague, but I don't want to go into it. It just fucking hurts and I need to get that off my chest while I can still type. And now I feel all cynical like...I'm PMS-ing to, so I'm just going to be a bitch all around. Ha! Maybe my cousin can console me...he'll...know who I am talking about and about what.

I've been gone for the past two weeks for vacation. It...was...uh...not so hot as I hoped it would be. In some spots it was fun. But I spent it sick with whatever gets me to tucker out so easily and then on top of that, I got sick with whatever my sister got. Then I find out my sister got what she had from me, but it was incubating for weeks before it took me down...which I find weird. Why all this was going on, I was being screamed at, cussed at, and made fun of. Especially towards the end, these past few days. I've gotten really irritable too....and I'm doing the whole "DO NOT TOUCH ME" routine. Too much time around people, to few time spent alone. Having alone time is very important to me. In some ways, I have to do it, because being around people for so long...espeically those who I hate messes me up an extreme amount.

Yea...it was SO much fun. I guess I am grateful that I got away from my grandmother, but like, it didn't matter much, I was still in a poor situation. I was a fool to think that if we moved away and put grams in some old people home (and I don't want to sound mean, I just don't know the name for it), the situation would be different. Foolish. I hope and pray that I do not turn out like that. BUT THE ONLY GOOD THING IS: I got some clothes and some spiffy stuff and new crystals to work with ^^ and I've been teaching myself to heal. So that's basicly what was awesome about the trip. I got a dress, a navy blue skirt with off-white tank-top, and this all black hot outfit.

Sugar=drug. Sugar is a drug. Sugar is my drug. I'm suffering from withdrawl. It's send me up and down. Mostly down. I feel really bad, I went all depressive manic on love. I didn't mean and I've done everything to deep out all the emotional bad stuff from it. I don't want him dealing with all the time. But this time I went all depressive like because I have to say "goodbye" to "friends." So...tired...of being used. So I guess, I'm back to the way I was in 5th grade. No friends. All I have is online peeps...ooer and love too. Can't forget him. I'll be fine though ^_^.

I did download a new song. It's Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence. i'm in love with this song. It's off the new CD that'll be coming out on October 3. Dude...the new CD for Pillar comes out October 3. HOTNESS! What a co-winkie-dink!

Things are beginning to look up, mostly. My sis is getting better and out of the hospital (didn't mention that). I'm going on vacation soon. I no longer have to take my lyme disease medicine.

Thankfully love has been there, he's been really sweet towards me and helping out with all the psychological scars I have and a few mood swings. He's been like a rock for me as I lay down this new foundation for myself. This new foundation is extremely hard to lay down and most of the time, leaving me emotionaly crippled at times. I have to say goodbye to a lot of things and let go of a lot too. And despite all this, I know I'll be dealing with the psychological scars for years from the abuse. Besides, I have to change what I eat and everything now. That means...no more cookies. T_T...I don't want to give up my cookies, but I have to. I have to give up all sugary sweets. I have to give up coffee, energy drinks...yea. It's hard, but I again, I know it's for the better, so I don't mind as much. I have to start taking a vitamin soon to make sure that I get all the nutrients that my body needs.

Sure, all around this change sucks, but I try to appreciate it too. I'm trying to be optomistic. 1 year 4 months, I'll be 18. In 2 years, I'll be able to leave home, for good. But I know through out this, love will be there for me and as soon as I graduate, I leave home. ^_^ It ain't that far away and time...flys by. I know things'll turn out ok and all I have to do is make it through two more years and I can leave. Makes me extremely happy that thought. ^_^

ahahaha! it got me right again *rolls her eyes* .....

My sis is comin home the hopsital now. She was there all night. Her fever peeked at 106. They don't know what she has, but her fever is down now. I am still worried, but I'll pray she'll be alright. I can't touch her thought. I can barely eat let alone have any medicine in my system and I have to finish the medicine for my lyme disease and I'm staring at it now...not hungry...not wanting to take that godamn medicine. Yesterday it made me so sick. So I'm twitching...not wanting to...have medicine. I'll have to force myself soon anyways. Only like a week's worth of medicine left. Yay. *sighs* I hate medicine. Foreign substances don't go well in my body. It's nearly as bad as sugar with me. Argh, oh well.

My sis is in the hospital right now. I hope she turns out okay....

Oh yeah, I tried something today. xP Experiment. Very stupid of me, but I had fun with it. Summoned an imp, blessed it to make it holy and it turned into a pixie. They've become my ally. Hendal, I love you. I'm summoning, again and agian, blessing the..."demon" branch seeing what happens. No more summong gremlins...I blow them up. But I am trying to get more allies. I need them anyways with what I am doing on the astral.

I'm bored out of my mind...no wonder why I am taking so many quizzes to entertain myself. I might be kidnapped tonight.

another that surprisngly fits...mostly

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but like, my astral...oh, she is me, but like, I don't have to control her. I can just sit back and watch. That's what I am doing right now. But if you didn't get it from the avatar and from the title...she's fighting right now...one of her own kind which has...been...I don't know how to put it. But she's letting go more and more, channaling more and more 'power' and it is a complete shock to me. How could she have that much 'power.' The battle is getting worse and worse. In other words, escalating. Where does she get all this 'power?' I'm just glad I have to sit tight and deal with being slightly light-headed because of the 'channals' she is opening. In a way, it is simply amazing. But I don't know where she is getting all that 'energy' from to keep this up.

But who am I fighting? Why am I fighting? I know those answers and I am keeping them to myself. I never take fighting lightly and neither does my astral. But it's still very confusing...any anwers...huh?

Holy shit. It's endless problems. This one, I have to go help out with. She has lost control over her empathy. And something is going to happen to her tonight, she said and I can feel it...too. So I have to get her over for a sleepover. I am going to try to get my other friend here. Despite how...hard it'll be. If we can help this friend, it'll be worth it. She asked, I can help.

The one thing that is going for me is that I know the guy likes me. It feels good. I like him too. But I am trying to guard my heart though I want to give into the feelings. I'm afraid. It has nothing to do with the fact that I know I can't get into a relationship right now. I'd love to with him, but I can't, because of the stuff going on at home.

Anyways, took a quiz.

You scored as Universal. You are a Universal Empath, you possess all the qualities of the other seven empath groups. You are what is known as an "Implicate" or Imp, a product of evolutionary design and genetic mutation. You are a psychic hybrid. (from "The Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/) </td> Judge 80% Universal 80% Healer 80% Traveler 75% Fallen Angel 75% Artist 60% Precog 55% Shaman 50% What Kind of Empath Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Take the Role-Playing Stereotype quiz.

I'm recovering and recooperating. I've made it through the worst of it. It won't be easier, I'm stronger of course, but...yea.

Right now I am really tired. Not exactly sure why...I did spend the day at the beach, but I rested. I try to step back and relax, 'cause I need to. But eh...my thoughts kept straying towards my current personal problem. I've put...a certain home situation to the side as I am waiting a response from some people who'd be able to help. But there is this guy who's been flirting with me and been really sweet. Does he like me? I don't know...even though I am empathic, I don't know. I wish I could get in contact with him. I want to be blunt about it.

Gawd...the stupid tired emotioncon thingy looks so stupid.

I hate to be like this. I want this journal to be different from the other. But I have to write this...for my sanity...for my saftey.

"I know your pretty fine. You don't need an emotional support anymore. Yo ucan walk on your own legs. I know you can. So, what I need now is only to let you do so. But I still do trust you will be able to handle anything on your own way. My dear...by knowing that I just wish you good luck and take care...as I know you will."

That's what he said! And he walked out...of my life. There is a bond that he and I have and it just shatttered and slapped me in the face. Besides saying goodbye, he did, just that, shattered the bond. It hurts to much....and I can't stop crying and I am struggling, struggling so hard.

And now in my head I am screaming...."I HATE YOU AND I DO NOT WANT YOU BACK IN MY LIFE! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! YOU ARE NOT MY ALLY! YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND! DO NOT COME BACK INTO MY LIFE! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE!"

He's been a blessing....but he has been a complete and utter curse. Oh wait, I forgot. It's the Council's fault. They even admitted it. They said they did not give their approval of him. So there are two parts of me. One part of me is crying...the other part is pissed of at the Council. And now is bent on defying them.